If there is one thing in my life I am adamant about, it is being authentic. I pride myself in being me and ONLY me and not caring what anyone thinks...that being said I spend too much of my life trying to "seem" things...prettier, thinner, smarter, funnier, stronger, older, younger... The list goes on like a tunnel of mirrors. I have always been a good actress and one of the burdens that comes along with that is that I spend so much of my life pretending to be the person I want to be,it becomes difficult to know whether I am "being" a good mom, or just "seeming" like one. A few days ago I got an email from a friend and one of their comments sent me spinning. "Wow", "It looks like you have everything figured out, you have just the life you always said you wanted, you are so lucky to have your white picket fence." I felt INSTANTLY guilty for her seeing me in this light. YES I have a wonderful husband and children. Yes I have a nice home. YES I am generally very happy. I have much to be thankful for. But the perfect life she was seeing in my facebook albums was NOT real. These were highlights. My life has lowlights too. So in the interest of being honest and admitting, once and for all that I am NOT, nor do I claim to be, perfect. Here are my confessions.
Here are some parts of my life you won't see pictures of in my facebook albums:
Travis and I argue. ALOT. It is part of how we communicate. We do not have a perfect marriage. No one does. What we do have is love and a commitment to see it through, forever, no matter what.
I am PAINFULLY insecure. I have this tough girl act down to a science, but the truth is, I am extremely insecure. I hate my facial paralysis and I feel like the whole world stares at my squinty eye. I have dry skin, dandruff, and scar tissue on my lip that looks like a cold sore. Most days, I couldn't care less. I go on with my life and laugh and smile and forget about it. But I have the other days too. The days that I try on 6 outfits and hate them all and cry because I don't look like a model. Yep I am that shallow.
My kids make me cry. Yep I love them more than anything in the world but somedays it seems IMPOSSIBLE to be a good mom. Both kids are screaming, the puppy is biting my arm, I just found a pee puddle on the couch and dinner is burning and sending smoke into the house...a good mom takes a deep breathe and carries on calmly, maybe even with a giggle. Sometimes I do that too, but sometimes-I cry.
My kids are not perfect. I understand there is some unwritten rule where we are supposed to believe our kids are angels but here's the deal. They aren't. Maya says no CONSTANTLY. She is not a good listener. She gets so mad that she bites and she has an unbreakable will. Aidan is a fountain of spit and is CONSTANTLY soaked. Maya is so stubborn I truly feel like we will never be able to know what she knows. she knows all her colors but calls everything green. Sh can count to ten but won't unless we can find a way to trick her. Some days she tells me "no mama go away". I have no idea what the correct reaction to this is but sometimes it makes me cry. It hurts.
My house is a mess almost ALL the time. Seriously. It's bad. I have only washed my windows about twice in the last 7 years. There, I said it.
I am lonely. I know I shouldn't be. I know I am lucky. I know I have a husband and family and friends that all love me. But still, sometimes I feel alone.
I am disappointed in myself. i always thought I would be a huge success. I thought there would be this defining moment in life where I showed the world they were wrong about me. I would be the ceo of something, the inventor of something, the writer of something. I am not.
There are a million more. But truthfully, despite it all I am happy. I love my life, the goods and the bads. I wouldn't trade my crazy kids for anything in the world and I like them better than the stepford children on TV. This life is the one I was meant to have, even if it doesn't fit the plan I had in my head. Perfect no, but perfect for me:)