Sometimes I wish that I was as cold and detached as I pretend to be. I am not. I have feelings and they get hurt. Often.
Sometimes I wish that I was as brave as people think. I am not fearless. I have a hard time putting myself out there. I am terrified of birds, being laughed at, and failing.
Sometimes I wish I was better. Better at listening, more patient, more forgiving. I wish I cared more about being nice than I did about being right. I wish I yelled less. I hate how much anger I carry just beneath my skin.
I wish I did more for others. I love to give, but time seems so tight that I never seem to have any left to share.
Sometimes I wish I had more money. I don't need to be rich, but I would love
to be able to forget about the bills that are rolling in. I wish we could travel more and take our kids on fabulous vacations.
I wish I was graceful. I have always been awkward and downright clumsy. I am constantly tripping, falling, and tromping about. I wish I floated into rooms like Audrey Hepburn did.
I wish there was some way to lose this weight once and for all. I am so tired
Of losing and regaining this same 30 pounds. It is hard to even try again. I have lost faith in myself. I don't believe
I will ever be thin.
Sometimes I wish I could be someone else. Someone smarter, prettier, taller. I wish I lived somewhere exotic and picked fresh mango for lunch, right off the tree. I wish that I only had to be myself and that that would be enough. I wish I could sleep until noon on a beach of soft sand and that the waves would rock me to sleep.
Sometimes I wish I was 8 again, climbing cherry trees. Life was so simple then.
But then I realize that all these things that I wish I could change, are what have made me me. They have brought me here. They have worked together to build me this life and make me who I am today. With two tiny arms wrapped around my thigh and a baby on my hip, how could I ever want it any other way?
A cold mother wouldn't be a kind one. I need that warmth when there are broken legs or broken hearts to heal.
Maybe I am braver than I think. I brought two children into this world without blinking or even once doubting my decision.
I may not do a lot for others, but I give of myself to my own family everyday, asking nothing in return.
Money is tight, but we have a place to live and food to eat. Our vacations are not elaborate, but don't kids like camping in the backyard? I know I did.
Although my body is not graceful in the conventional sense, I can carry two kids and my purse and open a car door, that's something right?
Thinner, yes I still want that, but I do not want my daughter to believe her body is her most important asset. I can show her that her health is more important than her weight. I will show her how to live an active lifestyle, I will teach her to love herself, no matter what.
Dream are important, but I hope they never get in the way of me seeing how beautiful of a reality I am already living.