I have been having a really hard time getting to this blog lately. As a matter of fact, I am having a hard time getting to much of anything. I am in survival mode. Just the normal " have tos" have me exhausted, frustrated, and drowning.
I love my life. But lately, I just can't seem to keep my head above water. Maya is an emotional wreck, Aidan is I whirlwind of violence, Lucy is Lucy which is enough to drive anyone crazy, and I feel horrible.
My head spins with possible surgeries for my gallbladder if things get infected, I hear the warnings the Dr.s have given me over and over in my head...if the surgery becomes unavoidable, there are no guarantees for " the fetus". I hate when they call her that. She has a name.
I am not so shallow or self absorbed to believe that it couldn't be worse. Of course it could. Many others have worse situations, I am aware. But at the same time, I am tired of having to pretend that I am not worried, tired, or upset about my own situation.
I feel like a walking time bomb. I am terrified every time I eat. I am terrified to not eat because of the baby. Every time Aidan bites me and I react in anger I feel guilty, if I don't react, I feel like I am ruining his life, if I react and he doesn't respond I feel like an epic fail as well.
Maya is finally getting to an easier stage,but she is so stubborn that if I back her into a corner she will literally do ANYTHING to win. Yesterday she refused to go potty because I suggested it, and then intentionally peed on the floor... Twice.
All this while exhausted, pregnant, and in a constant state of nausea and eating nothing but cold cuts and has me spinning. I can't help but wonder if all the rude people were right. What was I thinking to believe I could handle another baby? I am a mess.
All these feelings circle in my head, a train droning on, and I want to cry. But then it happens.
A little wiggle begins in my stomach and a tiny foot begins to remind me that I am supremely blessed. Or Maya will run up to me , throw her arms around me, give me a kiss, and tell me that " we're married". Even little Aidan surprises me at times, as he runs to me climbs in my lap, and caresses my face... " nice mama"...
These nuggets get me through, small reminders of why it's all worth it, why I matter, why it will all be okay.
So today, I start again. Each day is a new beginning. I take a deep breath, smile that a date to Titanic 14 years ago has led me to all of this, and jump back in. Today, maybe it will feel like swimming instead of drowning, I have always loved to swim.