Convicted

Recently, while wasting time on Pinterest when I should have been cleaning (hey, I'm not perfect) I came upon a quote. I read it and it hit me like a baseball pitch to the stomach. It was a simple idea, but one I had never really verbalized or written.  There it was in black and white, simple type-face, staring into my soul.

 "Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all that they have."

Ouch.
I was instantly convicted.

I am a control freak. I spend much of my life trying to "fix" things, people, and my life. I am constantly trying to match it all up to an ideal in my head. I envision my life as being some cross between an Audrey Hepburn movie, Woodstock, and The Boxcar Children books.  I spend countless hours carefully pruning myself and those around me to make them fit into these scenarios. This ends in frustration because I did not marry a character from a movie-I married a MAN. Coincidentally, I am a living breathing woman-not an airbrushed, perfectly lit cover model. To top it all off, my kids are not child actors-they are REAL they have emotions, and meltdowns, and bumps and bruises.

As I examine myself, I realize that it doesn't end there. I adore my mom because she fits that ideal. She was sweet and loving, always supportive, and never judgmental. She is as close as one could get to having a perfect 1950's sitcom mother.The house always smelled of cookies, the floors were always clean, and the kisses were always abundant-even when we fought them.  My mother-IS Donna Reed. I put a lot of pressure on myself because she is such a tough act to follow. Sadly, I resign to the fact that I will never be as good of a mother to my children as my own mother was to me. Yes, my mother loved me exactly the way I needed and she still does today. But then there was my Dad.

Did my Dad love me? I am sure he did. But we spoke different languages back then.  So much was lost in translation between us. To him, loving was supporting. He worked hard at thankless jobs, hour after hour so I could live the life I wanted. I was spoiled rotten at Christmas,  had the name brand jeans that I "needed" in the 7th grade, and there was always money for our family vacation. He sacrificed his time, his energy, even his hearing,which he eventually lost much of from the loud factory machinery, in order to give me every "thing" I ever wanted. Sadly, to me, this was not love. Love was hugs, and kisses, and daddy-daughter dances-all things that were missing from our relationship. I have spent so much of my life wondering what I could have done to make him love me MORE, but this quote made me see the truth. He did.

 Maybe- "Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all that they have."